I’m in love. And I want to discuss it from every angle, not just the gooey ooey melty goodness, but the unsettling part of it.
How do I know I’m in love? Because right now, nothing else will bring me as much warmth and joy than to be around him. I am attached in a nonsensical way. Any mention of him perks my heart. If he’s not in the front of mind, he’s in the corner of it. Any feeling he has while we’re together, I’m keenly attune to, and I ride his waves of sadness and delight.
I look in his eyes and I see him see me. I can’t hide anything. I’m naked and it’s exhilarating. Any flinch in my nostril, and he knows I’m thinking something. He often can identify and express it better than I can (and better than anyone I’ve ever met). It’s staggering.
Occasionally, I feel paralyzed. I want to melt into him more. Even when our bodies are close, my head tucked into his shoulder, I want to be closer. I want to meld together.
We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. We have no label. It’s not more complicated than just being in love. Or at least I don’t want it to be.
But when I’m alone, I remember how much I like unattached Sarah. I think unattached Sarah is the best possible Sarah. She has all the most exciting cool and interesting experiences. As an independent unit, she has made a life for herself that she wouldn’t have had imagined were possible, and she takes no prisoners.
That independence has had a huge impact on my sense of fulfillment and my success.
And now this is the part where you think, “Where is this going?” Surely not into the clichéd “She’s scared to be vulnerable. That’s why she can’t let anyone in, and if she could just let that fear go, she could live happily ever after.” Like that cold girl in the movie who loves her career or got her heart broken too many times until “The One” came along and saved her.
That’s not a thing. But let me tell you what is…
When I was in LA with this person, I decided to forgo a party in order to be able to adjust to his suddenly busy work schedule (As someone working in the film industry, quite normal). Basically, I wouldn’t be able to go to the party and also spend as much time with him as I wanted to, since he would be getting back too late to join me at the party all the way on the West side (essentially another city). But the Sarah I mentioned earlier, who doesn’t let anyone get in her way… she was not at peace with this. She said “You’re missing a great experience. Don’t let anyone let you do that. Don’t wait around for a guy!”
Later that night that I missed this party, I saw myself take out the above aggression on him. Snapping for no reason. I knew that part of me was ugly. He never asked me to miss anything. It was my choice alone. So why was I angry?
And then I looked at myself, and I thought about it. And we talked. And the next day finally I realized”
how goddamn lucky am I to even be able to choose to not go to this party? That I can choose to hang out with someone I love at all.
And that love is not just a feeling like the one I described above. It’s a decision. And that night, I chose love. It’s what I wanted. And I have no regrets (even though Facebook would tell me that party looked like it was really fun!)
And although that night I chose love, and I learned something about myself, I’m not ready to forgo the drop-of-the-hat, crazy, not considering anyone but me experiences right now. I owe that Sarah the chance to follow through on my plan to see more of the world — India in particular, (I leave to travel in June and won’t come back until 2018).
And it’s so damn hard to make that choice when my feelings are so strong. When the love is so new, and there’s nothing I want more right now than to be in his arms. And the hardest part is I know by making this choice, I’m risking losing forever someone so damn special and so damn good for me.
But this is the right thing, right now. I don’t know what the future holds. Or what will happen in this year of sojourning. What I do know is that I’m so grateful to be doing it. And for you, steadfastly supporting me in my life journey. I love you ❤
P.S. The wrong side of 25 is also not a thing. I just heard it in the last episode of Girls I watched and thought it was catchy.