How I Turned Awkward Sex into Something Great
There have been times in my life when I’ve gone through with sexual acts because I felt as if it was expected of me because of the situation I chose to put myself in. But I’ve learned that if I’m not 100 percent down in that moment, and a big part of that has to do with understanding my mind, body, emotions etc., it’s up to me to pull the breaks. And, ultimately, that is for the best for everyone involved.
So anyway, here is my story about a guy I met in Nepal, who happened to be 10 years younger than I am. Enjoy :).
“So how long are you going to be here?” he asks with a sideways smile. Even though we met only 20 minutes ago, we are now chatting on the balcony of the room we are sharing in Pohkara, Nepal.
But hold up. It’s not what you think. We are not the only two sharing the room. Besides us, there are 4 others occupying the 3 sets of bunkbeds in the abode.
This is hostel life. After almost 9 months traveling the world solo, I’ve become accustomed to sleeping in rooms with complete strangers. It’s an easy way to meet other travelers and make your money go further.
Kyle is quite attractive, although definitely younger than I am. I put him at around 23, 6 years my junior.
He’d walked up the steps to the hostel’s reception right after I did, and we spoke with the owner about reserving a bed in sequence. As he stood right next to me, I confirmed with Amrit (the coolest hostel owner!) that I would be the one to get the one remaining bottom bunk because I’d arrived first. Suck on that!
Kyle played along, seemingly happy to leave me with the better bed. I liked this.
And how to say? He looked fly. With yellow-tinged shades, 1960’s style. A blue hand-crafted Nepali poncho and trekking boots.
I appreciate straight men who make getting dressed an art. Many people don’t care about what they wear, which is fair enough. But what people get wrong is thinking that those who do care about their outfits are superficial.
If I can put on an inspired colorful interesting outfit, and somehow give you pleasure when you see me, then that’s a gift I’ve just given to the world. It’s not about me. It’s about contributing to the universe.
Or looking cool. Fine. Maybe a little of that too.
Also I say straight men because, in my experience, they are less likely to dress creatively than women or non-hetero men.
So when they do have their own style, it signals being ambiguous (in gender, sexual preference etc.) is okay with them. They are comfortable with themselves and however anyone else happens to perceive them. And that is sexy.
What else? He has a beard (check) and wispy blondish-brown hair, which folds over his forehead emo style. Oh, and not to forget the best part — an English accent (despite being from Wales). So naturally, I’m interested.
But not sold.
Now on the balcony, I can tell he finds me attractive too. The way he smiles, the way he’s devouring my whole presence, not just looking into my eyes. It’s almost a little too much. He looks harmless, but still I feel a bit overwhelmed and suggest we go back inside.
So Kyle and I go up to the rooftop to hang out in the common space there which overlooks the mountains and river below. And eventually a small group forms that decide we will have dinner together, including Jeff from New Zealand (33), who’d met Kyle before while they were both traveling through India and tells us all that he is in fact 19 years old (not 23)! And that he can’t believe it because he feels like Kyle is at least 2 years older then he is.
We also have Ingrid from Norway (19), and Jo (30), also randomly from Norway and a few others.
Having spent a bit of time in Pokhara before trekking, Kyle is the natural leader of the crew. He takes us to a tasty restaurant and then we head to a spot with live jazz.
It’s one of those nights that I feel at home despite not knowing any of these people before today. Kyle and I chat in spurts and, as the night progresses, my interest in him butterflies. I glance over at him every now and then, watching him gab away with others, and craft his American Spirit rollies. He’s so young, I think, but I dig it all.
Finally, after a few beers, as I sit with Kyle, I tell him I’m tired and going back home. He corrals the whole crew to go back as well.
And when we return to our room, he sits on the bottom bunk with me and says, “Are you teasing me?” I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I know I want to kiss him, so I do. It’s a gentle kiss (we don’t want to disturb anyone else in the room) that ends in him spooning me as I fall asleep.
A few more days pass in Pokhara, during which we hang with mostly the same crew, organizing a paddle boat party on the lake, ordering smoothie bowls and tea at the various cafés, and having beers on the hostel rooftop.
And on our 3rd night, after making out for a while on the balcony of the room, Kyle suggests that we get a private room together.
But for some reason, I don’t feel a strong pull to have sex with Kyle. The yearning for him feels more emotional and less physical.
That said, I’m really into him. Or at least I’m into being around him. I’m with him all day in groups, and I always admire from afar and from aclose. And I want to want to have sex with Kyle.
So after some thought, I decide we should go forward with the private room, even though parts of me are still unsure about sex. I communicate this to him, and he is understanding.
Finally, in the private room, we are alone. We start kissing, and he starts going down on me. It feels nice, but I’m not getting into it. I start feeling self-conscious, worried that I’m not getting wet. And then getting self-conscious about my age, thinking (ridiculously) that maybe if he were with a younger girl, she would be more excited. I pull him up towards me so we can go back to kissing and slow things down.
But my mind keeps running in circles, and I cant get out of my own head. Eventually, I back off from him and say “let’s stop for a second.” I sit on the bed, look away and squint in confusion. What’s wrong with me?
I need to collect myself.
Why am I so worried about all this? Theres a sweet person with me, who just wants to make me feel good. If I make that into something bad then it’s on me. I don’t have to do anything with anyone. Why is my own head turning a good situation into something scary?
“Tell me,” Kyle says warmly, his voice tinged with worry. “What is it?”
After a few moments, I turn back towards him and manage: “I’m putting all this pressure on myself, and I don’t know why.”
And I see in his eyes that he doesn’t want to put pressure on me either. Everything’s okay. I reassure myself. The only person that’s making it not is myself. Nothing is required of me. There are no problems.
Seeing him stare back in genuine concern solidifies that thought. He puts his arms around me, and we hold each other there for a while. He’s 10 years younger than I am, but I feel like he’s taking care of me. And I’m okay with that. I realize this is what I need. I don’t need to be some sex expert just because I’m old AF.
It feels so good to lay there with his arms wrapped around me. Me and all my craziness accepted.
I begin to feel grateful for the moment and for him. I start to give him a back massage. Then he gives me one, and I start to relax. And then the excitement comes, as I lay on my stomach, naked. I radiate with desire.
He kisses the back of my neck and I turn around to press my lips against his hungrily. He presses his body against my back and we continue kissing. And suddenly I’m in that other world, where my thoughts and worries float away. The excitement. The connection. The pleasure. The letting go. My whole body beaming.
Thank you for making me feel safe and beautiful. You are incredible.
“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
